How To Choose A President In Just 31 Days

*empties crate of clementines, places it on ground upside down*

*deep breath*

*gingerly stands on crate*

Hey everybody? Everybody, can you look up here? I have something I want to say.  

What if I told you I could get the American people a new chief executive in just 31 days? The campaign, the primaries, the general election – all of it takes place in January, once every four years.

You seem cautiously interested, hashtag sounds like my friday night.

donald-trump-snlDonald Trump officially announced his candidacy on June 16th, 2015. So, 380 days ago. How much better would your life, and country, be if that year didn’t happen? One year of Trump, just wiped away. One year of him screaming  “I’m great!” while we yell back “You suck!” and him saying “Takes one to know one!” and then everyone claps because nonsense is compelling.

‘Ok we get it, guy-on-tangerine-box … how’s it work?’

Well, let’s imagine a reality where it’s currently July, 2016, and we still don’t even know who’s running for president in the upcoming election. Obama will leave in late January 2017, and we haven’t the faintest who will be taking over.  OK, so remain in that fantasy, and now fast-forward 6 months to:

January 1st, 2017: National Press Conference Day!

A collection of politicians, mostly white males, will hold press conferences across the country to announce their candidacy, and not a goddamn day sooner. Let’s see, we got Hillary, that’s expected … umm Bernie Sanders from Vermont, and ok wow – Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Mike Huckabee, Chris Christie, John Kasich.  Good luck, everybody.

[Note to liberals, whom I expect outnumber the conservatives in this audience: That means 95% of you wouldn’t know Bernie from Adam at this point in the election cycle. Which is a drag, because we can all agree that if voting was just ‘what candidate gets it,’ Berns would’ve locked up this presidency by President’s Day. Unfortunately, he’s made social media unlivable, and as a registered voter, I got to dock him points for that. Two weeks of The Bernie Revolution is all anyone really needed in the end. It’s just enough time to plant a seed – you feel me, District 12?]

But picture it! New Year’s Day and everyone’s just hungover watching press conferences!  WOO HOO IT’S PRIMARY SEASON, Y’ALL!!!!!

January 15th, 2017: All-the-Primaries Day!

Every state holds its primary election the same day, similar to how we handle the general election, in that everyone votes, and then a bunch of people count the votes, and then the candidate with the most votes is officially the party’s nominee. It’s not at all super intuitive. And just think – we don’t have to hear about who’s going to ‘take Nevada ’ in a slow news week ever again!

So a bunch of people announce their campaign on the 1st, we have it narrowed down to two presidential candidates by the 15th.  I hope two weeks was enough weeks for the 35% of you people-who-vote-in-primaries to choose your favorite politician amongst the buffet.

article-0-0D416A82000005DC-117_634x445[Why do we (and don’t answer ‘money’) currently have every candidate go state-by-state, for six months, giving variations of the same speech? I mean, this isn’t 1890, there aren’t presidential hopefuls exclaiming things like ‘My god Oregon, what beautiful trees you have! Vote McKinley!’ from the back of a locomotive. As a voter, I don’t care if they physically visit my state. There’s television, there’s the fucking Internet – I’ll get the information I need. Or maybe I won’t, and that’s fine, too. I’m voting for Hillary in November and I legitimately have not read or heard a single thing she’s said over the past year.]

*takes a deep breath, picks up a clementine, and begins unpeeling it*

January 25th, 2017 : Convennnnnnntions!!!!!!!

Because tradition, motherfucker.

January 31st, 2017: General Election
Wait, what the? Already? We’re not going to have even the presidential nominees go state to state? Wow, when you said 31 days, you really meant 31!

Yeah, of course they’re not going to tour the entire country. They’ll visit the swing states, and the rest of us will tune in via satellite. We seriously don’t need 50 pep rallies, especially when only 57% of Americans vote, and none of them are undecided when they attend these sacred summits of democracy.

So we vote. And then it’s over. We go back to our daily lives and discuss politics with detached, faint disgust, until 47 months pass and we do it all again.  clementine_box_l1

31 days, from press conference to White House.  Under our current system, that same process takes 18 months.

18 months to campaign/vote/campaign/convention/vote/inaugurate. We, the electorate, apparently require 1.5 years to hire someone for a job that lasts only 4, but to us it’s basically only 2.5 years because the final 1.5, or 38%, happens while our back is turned, already looking ahead to the next election cycle. Americans are like Mel Kiper, Jr. – we go from draft to draft without ever watching a snap of the actual NFL season.

Speaking of Obama – what’s his 44th ass been up to ? I’m sincerely asking, I haven’t heard anything about this administration in over a year.  Seems like he’s probably been on cruise control since Trump emerged from Hell, and my man still has 7 months left in his term, which seems like an absurd stretch of time for one person to run a very powerful country without public scrutiny or oversight.

If you want to hear more, let’s go somewhere private.  This farmer’s market isn’t safe.

*weird silence*

*falls off crate*